It’s strange just how much a difference confidence can make. Confidence, aka self belief, is probably one of the most important parts of our character, and it really does make all the difference in the world.

When I first entered NJC, I admit that I was quite arrogant. I thought I could challenge the world and come out tops. Well, challenge it I did, but certainly not coming out for the better, at least back then. Naivety was a major shortcoming then, but the self-belief I had was rock hard. Well, you can’t exactly blame me for that when I entered NJC with HCI-level grades in my O Levels. Looking back, I find that I was probably missing a key component: humility. Well, look at where that dropped me off – at 25 percentile in grades and nowhere close to a H3.

Somewhere along the way, I lost that self-confidence. Those days of depression are not easy to face, and I really struggled, yet I guess that it was for the better. They say that it is through difficulties that you grow stronger; I shall whole-heartedly agree with them (whoever they are). The loss of self belief is something you will never want to experience – the feeling that you are inferior to everyone around, like a fish out of the water. You give up easily, avoid contact with others around you, think in a negative manner, etc... It takes a lot to reclaim that belief. Once gone, it seems to have disappeared forever, leaving you stranded in a sea of emptiness.

These days, I could feel that self-confidence again. It is like a warm glow, allowing you to bask in the knowledge that you can succeed at whatever you attempt. When you actually do set out to attempt a problem, and succeed at it, the feeling is incredible. It feels as though you have single-handedly knocked through a brick wall with bare hands, and found a treasure trove waiting behind. Never mind that it is only a simple mathematics problem, it gives you a huge boost nevertheless.

I guess that I have learnt to accept myself for who I am, my shortcomings, my strengths and my beliefs. I used to belittle myself for not being as good as others at grades, at portfolio filling, at sports, and at making friends. I believe I have come to terms with that. I no longer try to be someone I am not, but to be good at being who I am. What used to be an uphill struggle against everything from my own personality to my competitors suddenly became much easier, and the clouds have cleared from my mind.

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I find that I am not as close to my former friends as I once was. What occurred back at Catholic High is repeating its history again, and the root of that problem is probably due to my personality and beliefs. Back then, I didn’t really see the value of having close friends except to have fun with, and today I still don’t.

During one of the Feedback Unit outings we had in council, I was asked to say something unique about myself. I answered, “I have less than 5 good friends in the world.” I wasn’t lying. I never liked having an outgoing lifestyle, hanging out with several friends day in, day out, keeping up with old contacts and stuff. Sociable, yes, but certainly not easy to become intimate friends with. I prefer a more private life, keeping to myself, and there are days when I avoid contact with anyone whenever possible. I would go up to the crest and sit there, watching the sky, or (given the upcoming exams) hide in some remote corner of the school to study by my lonesome. I seriously will not mind spending my life in the mountains, if I had the chance to do so.

Last year, I tried very hard to change this aspect of myself. I tried to be an extrovert, to make friends with people I came across with. I guess that the experience at least helped me become a more flexible person in terms of character, but in the end, it still didn’t really work out. What drove me to do so was probably admiration for people like Celine and Rachel Low, who had such large networks of good friends to count on. Too much anime that emphasized the importance of friendship probably made their mark on me as well.

Contrary to what those anime taught, I would say that most people need friends because they are incomplete; they need people whom they can relate to, to share troubles, joys and tears with, to do everything from shopping to mugging together, and they want to be understood so that they can, in turn, understand themselves. That is how they find contentment. Myself, I feel content to simply spend time with my thoughts. My enjoyment is derived from doing activities like computer gaming and reading. In short, I do not need friends to find contentment.

Neon Genesis Evangelion raised an issue with regards to contentment, with a heavy philosophical influence. It speculated that humans can only find true contentment as part of a greater whole, and envisioned a future where humanity evolved into a super-being containing the souls of all humans – that is the ideal future for us. No more hurt. No more emotional distress. The implication is, of course, the assumption that the ultimate goal of all human beings is to feel contentment, a statement that I can find no counter examples to. If anyone can think of one, please feel free to inform me =) In any case, everything we do is linked to an ultimate goal of experiencing a feeling, and everyone will unconsciously strive to achieve this goal, unless they are mentally ill.

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Of course, I may simply be deluded in thinking this way. Perhaps this whole passage is simply a result of some horrible paradigm I have been living under, one that is as solid as a house of cards, and if that is the case, spare me the horrors of living under an illusion and inform me as soon as possible. Unlikely as I think it is.
21:19
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“It is better to be a human being dissatisfied than a pig satisfied; better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied. And if the fool, or the pig, are of a different opinion, it is because they only know their own side of the question.”

– John Stuart Mill
00:09
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As I walked down Orchard Road, I looked around me, at the countless numbers of humanoid figures scurrying around. From above, they probably looked no different from multi coloured ants, without the six legs. It makes you wonder why people move around the way they do... Observe! I walk down this road in order to get to a destination (which, by the way, is Kinokuniya); so do everyone else. But why this destination, why this objective, when there are countless other paths to pick?

From the outset, we can probably put reasons behind each action a person makes. Let us assume that Joe arrived at Orchard – the mere fact that he is at Orchard, and not elsewhere, hints at his objectives. Maybe he is there to hang out with friends, or to shop for something, or simply to gaze at the environment (not very likely). We see him approach a bunch of people of the same age group, who seem to acknowledge his presence – so he is there to hang out with friends! From that context, we can further discover other objectives of his: have fun? Socialise? Bond further with these friends of his? However the case, you will never reach this conclusion that he is doing something but without any reason for doing so. Meeting up with friends but without an aim in mind is simply illogical, however illogical the aim itself is in nature. Therefore, we can conclude that behind every human action, there is a reason. Let us take that as our First Law of Social Interactions.

Observe the many ants around you – perhaps they are but exact clones of Joes who live different lives. Let us assume that there is one world with numerous families who are exactly the same in every aspect. Joe will be born in every one of these families and grow up in these environments in a different manner, although differences may range from slight to extremely radical. As a result, 20 years down the road, we see countless Joes wandering the roads of Orchard, some going to the bookstores to mug for their upcoming tests; a few leaning against a lamppost, smoking and showing off their tattoos; two Joes speeding down the pavement on skateboards, evidently skilled in the intricacies of skateboarding tricks; one enjoying a romantic walk with a visually passable girl, who was clutching his arm; yet another sitting on the sidewalk, playing a harmonica in the hopes that a passer-by will donate enough for his dinner. Each of them represents a Joe, a possibility, an alternative lifestyle to what we currently lead. The question remains regarding why we turn out the way we do – what actually caused the difference that resulted in the Joe playing the harmonica, or the Joe smoking at the lamppost?

From birth, society shapes our character, which in turn directs our actions. At a young age, families are what impact us the most – if Joe’s father chose to invest in stocks and went bankrupt, committing suicide as a result, perhaps Joe may end up as the Joe playing the harmonica for a living. If Joe was neglected by his workaholic parents, who chose to prioritise work, he may be influenced to join a group of gangsters and end up as the guy smoking by the lamppost. Families, in turn are probably shaped by the society and social circumstances! The list of possibilities is endless; one event in the past may result in a million possible alternatives. This is called the Butterfly Effect, which derives its name from the myth that a butterfly in China may cause a flow of air, resulting in a hurricane in the USA, a radical but possible outcome. In such cases, we can see that our reality is the result of a mind-boggling number of choices taken from the beginning of human history. What we do, what we chose, what actions we took based on what reasons we thought were important, all these have the effect of creating the reality that we live in today. Let us call this our Second Law of Social Interactions – Actions have a cumulative effect.

Let us now look at the original Joe. Joe is just another boy who likes hanging out with his friends, going to the movies and having chit-chat sessions that are completely unproductive. Yet he likes it all the same. However, looking into his background, we find that Joe is a boy who has examinations just around the corner. Unlike most boys who will probably be studying hard at the local library, he is at Orchard hanging out with friends. What made him choose fun, rather than studies? Now, let us look into why we do things the way we do. Let us assume that we can attribute values to every action that we can take – fun value, dislike value, urgency value, etc, which we most probably can, although these “values” are simply relative to each other. In any case, we can determine which actions we find more fun than the other. For example, Joe dislikes studying intensely, attributing a low “like” value to it, while he likes having fun, in other words, hanging out with friends, so he attributes a high “like” value to that. Studying has a high “urgency” value while friends have a low “urgency” value. Somehow, he chose fun, which is why we observe him at Orchard Road rather than in Bishan Library. He thus prioritised “like” over “urgency”. Why? Well, we can try attributing values to these values – let us call it the “importance” value. By “importance” scale, Joe attributed a high value to “like” and a lower value to “urgency”, resulting in his prioritising of fun over study. While this attempt to quantify priorities may seem awkward, we can use it as a basis for further speculation.

As we can see from the above, importance value is assigned to various values that can potentially outline the underlying reasons for our actions. In other words, we do what we do because we prioritise taking that particular action over other potential actions. In fact, it is not so much as prioritising of actions as a prioritising of objectives – as seen from Joe’s case, he prioritised fun over urgency, which in turn led him to take that particular set of actions. Therefore, we can conclude that we act based on the objectives we prioritise. Let that conclusion be the Third Law of Social Interactions.

Ok, this was written when I was in a weird mood, at 0300 in the wee hours of the morning. It looks quite coherent though, although at times depreciating into abstraction. Maybe I should try checking one of those psychology books to see how spot-on my “Laws of Social Interactions” were.
11:59
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